Thanksgiving

So I'm not so good with this blogging thing--not that I don't enjoy it, but life is busy and when I do have free time I find myself reading or watching TV with my wife. So now that school is over for the week, I have about 10x as much free time!

People have been posting a lot about what they are grateful for on blogs and Facebook, so I thought I would join (it's refreshing)

1) I am grateful for free time during the holidays. Do you remember how excited you got in grade school/jr.high/high school for Christmas and summer break? I don't think that excitement will ever go away for me. I'm grateful for that feeling.

2) I am grateful for my family. I won't be with my immediate family for Thanksgiving, but will see them briefly before Christmas. I haven't lived near my family since 2003, and I think it has made being with them even more sweeter. I can't wait!

3) I am grateful for friends. I have always had trouble with feelings of loneliness and had hard time making and keeping good friends, especially among guys. I believe my homosexuality grew largely due to a lack of homoemotional support that I missed throughout my adolescent years. I still have those feelings, but not as often as before. Coming to BYU really brought me out of my shell and I was lucky to have some of the best roommates who took me in. I got to spend some time with one of those roommates yesterday--it was great to catch up and talk like nothing had changed. Friends make life fun and enjoyable.

4) I am grateful for my wife. Nothing makes me happier than to be with her. She understands me more than anybody. We can be completely honest with each other, and I am grateful for that! Things aren't always perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She is the love of my life!!! (I never promised that this wouldn't be cheesy :) )

5) I am grateful for my Savior and that His gospel has been restored on the earth. It has given me hope and salvation. I am grateful for my testimony. There is so much confusion and doubt in the world, and I at times feel their dark shadows looming in my soul. Somehow the love of the Lord breaks through and I am able to move forward in faith, not knowing all the answers, but knowing that He loves and lives. I will never be able to deny the Atonement and the power of the priesthood.

God Loveth His Children

So I was looking around on the Distribution Center website because I heard there was a new DVD set to help study/teach the Old Testament. I was looking through other DVDs and saw that there was a free, 40 minute DVD of "God Loveth His Children," the same name as the Church pamphlet that addresses Latter-day Saints with same-gender attractions. I thought, "Cool...the Church has made a video discussing the principles in the pamphlet...and it's free." So I added it with my Old Testament videos and went on with my day.

A few days later I got the videos and put the "God Loveth His Children" DVD in only to find it was an American Sign Language interpreter signing the entirety of the pamphlet! I guess I should have paid more attention to the description on the website and maybe noticed the ASL subtitle!... oh well, it was free and might be handy some day!

Life has been extremely busy. I've had several midterms, and usually around this time I'm overcome with stress, become a recluse, and turn to old addictions. I can tell my therapy group is already helping a lot because I have better control. I take time to notice things. I noticed the sunrise on Mt. Timpanogos this morning. I noticed the cool, refreshing breeze as I climbed the huge staircase up to campus. And even though I'm taking the GRE tomorrow on top of another thousand tasks, I feel peace. I notice the love of my family and friends and of the Savior.

Sexual Concerns

That's the name of a group I meet with each week through the BYU Counseling and Career center. The name of the group sounds kind of weird, but I actually am learning a lot from it. It is mostly for those who have pornography and masturbation addictions. I found out about the group over the summer and decided to join it at the beginning of this semester. I was extremely nervous the first time I went (especially since I was late), but the group has been a great thing for me. I've learned that when I am open about my experiences in the right environment, I gain a lot of perspective and healing. We've only met for about a month, but one of our focuses so far has been noticing our feelings and thoughts and how they work. I have never been good at this, and I often dwell on negative feelings without even noticing, and lose a lot of my productivity in the process. It's been an interesting group and I look forward to learning more and writing about it.

I also told my sister and brother-in-law everything about me and my past when they were visiting recently. It felt good for my wife and I to be able to talk honestly and frankly about my situation, and to feel their love and support in return. I still plan on privately talking to my other siblings when I get a chance. I wish I had done this sooner. Well, time to go celebrate a glorious fall weekend. Take care,

A Man Which Was Blind From His Birth

As I was finishing yesterday's post about answering the question of "born that way?", I started thinking of a story in John 9 about a man who was born blind:

1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
5 As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.
6 When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay,
7 And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing.

Often we try find someone or something to blame when we or someone else isn't perfect. Those dealing with homosexuality often hear they chose this problem through sin, or that the parents must have done something wrong. In these scriptures, others blamed this man's blindness on his sins (premortal or God's foreknowledge that he would sin?) or his parents' sins--it must be someone's fault! Why would God make this man born blind? Jesus answered that it was neither his sins or his parents' sins, but "that the works of God should be made manifest in him."

This paradigm shift of thought helped me to begin healing. The root of my problem, whatever the actual biological/environmental factors might be, was not my fault or anybody's fault. I do admit that there are cases of abuse or other factors from parents, siblings, or others that definitely contribute to the development of homosexuality. My same-gender attraction may have unhealthily been intensified by my conscious sins and the sins of others, but by the power of the Atonement, Christ has lifted those burdens and helped me to modify my behavior. I've also had the help of my wife, close family members, and loving priesthood leaders and counselors.

I believe through the power of the Atonement, my life has been healed and continues to heal. I'm finding true joy and peace. The same-sex attraction has been diminished, and I was able to fall in love with my now beautiful wife.

Do I blame God or others that I had to go through so much to get here, or that I may have even had these problems or addictive susceptibilities since birth? I have often thought how nice it would be to relive my youth without all of my problems, but then I remember that without these experiences, I would not have come to know my Father and Savior the same. I can also empathize and give a helping hand to those who are struggling on the same path I've been on.

Later in John 9, the Pharisees and others tried to deny that this blind man was really born blind, or that the Savior really didn't heal him. Like the blind man, I have seen the "works of God" manifest in me, and I cannot deny it.

Born That Way?

I understand this topic is perhaps one of the most controversial topics in the world of homosexuality. I'm not focusing on answering this question generally, but I am answering it for my own situation.

Was I born with same-sex attraction? Well, I'm not sure because I don't remember what I was like as a baby. Do I believe that I had inherent traits that could have led me to same-sex attraction? Possibly. I have always yearned for attention from fellow males and can remember having a strong homo-emotional need since I can remember. I don't think that's uncommon for young boys though.

Are there environmental factors that affected my same-gender attraction? I definitely have clearer answers here that I can't ignore. I was abused by my older brother (13 years older than me) a handful of times when he had me perform oral sex when I was around 5 years old. My homo-emotional needs were taken advantage, and I now had a sexual experience at a very young age. I had a hard time getting along with other boys throughout elementary and junior high school because of being shy and feeling uncomfortable with sports. I had a couple of guy friends, but in general I would further exclude myself and not fulfill the healthy homo-emotional needs that I had. I don't know how it all fell into place, but as puberty hit on, a lot of guys begin fantasizing about girls, but this never really happened for me. I believe it was the unfulfilled homo-emotional cravings combined with the fact that, while normal guys were fantasizing about sexual things with girls, I already had a sexual experience with another man.

In high school, I began understanding my sexuality more fully, but was already so wrapped up in pornography, fantasizing, and masturbation that I felt I had little control over what I could do. I had a testimony of the restored gospel and church, and would have periods of success in my behavior, but this repeating destructive cycle was eroding my spirituality and mental health. I didn't want to have same-gender attractions. I wanted a wife and family to love and raise in the gospel. However, my addictions and fantasizing led me to action. I was caught, and was forced to confront this issue to my parents and myself.

So, facing this dilemma, what should I do?

Should someone who has had such negative childhood experiences that he believes contributed to same-sex attraction try to receive help to change, or should he just accept it as normal and adopt a gay identity?

With the environmental factors that I had experienced, it was easy for me to believe that homosexuality was not normal. Additionally, I already had deep spiritual experiences from the gospel that helped me find peace, happiness, and a testimony of the restored Church of Jesus Christ. The decision became clear and I got professional help and began a sincere repentance process. My lifestyle and outlook on my sexuality didn't change overnight...but I will leave this part to future posts!

In general, do I believe I was born gay? No. Do I blame it on people? No. Do I believe there are complex biological and environmental factors that played a role? Most definitely. More importantly however, the exact answer to this question isn't as important as where I'm headed in the future. I love my life and where it is going. Understanding and accepting my past has helped me to know my position, where I want to go, and to overcome and heal. Getting real help and being open with loved ones has brought me peace and perspective.

August

August was good. It looks like I'm writing at a rate of about one post per month, so I figure I better update!

This summer has flown by faster than I'd hoped, but it has been an eventful and a successful summer. My wife and I had a bumpy start to the summer, but have seen the hand of the Lord bless us through our trials. We both found amazing jobs to carry us through until we leave Provo. We moved into a nice apartment (extremely better than our last one) for a good price. We've managed to stay out of debt through all of the transition and schooling over the past 6 years, which has been a huge blessing and testimony of tithing to me and my wife. One of the best things was watching my wife walk across the stage at her graduation. August was good.

August was also successful as far as handling homosexuality. I feel less and less inclined toward former temptations, and I love my wife more and more each day. It's true! I feel like my outlook on this situation is more positive. A few months ago I started studying a book I found at the library called Resolving Homosexual Problems: A Guide for LDS Men by Jason Park.

It's kind of old (1997), but its message to those with unwanted same-sex attraction or behavioral habits has really helped me and how I control the situation. As I continue to reread and study it, I plan on writing my thoughts and feelings on this blog. My life to this point has been filled with my fair share of suppression, guilt, and shame for not being able to conquer this issue by willpower alone. By reading this, I've come to learn and start the process of resolving some of the inner problems that I've faced since I was very young by being open with others and building my self confidence. There is also a companion volume for spouses/parents/friends/etc. that my wife is reading. I also suggested it to my parents, so that they can better understand me and help support me.

I look forward to the new challenges that are ahead as school starts this week!

About Me

My wife and I have talked a lot and decided not to share the more personal details of our lives to the world, so we took off the previous post. Overall, I have had a great life. I have great parents and a wonderful family. I gained a strong testimony of the restored gospel early in my life and have found joy and strength from following the teachings of our Savior. Problems from my childhood and other factors I believe contributed to my attractions to the same gender. However, I have found a lot of success in resolving those conflicts and emotional problems.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is about the sinner who anoints Jesus' feet (Luke 7:37-50). The Pharisees deride Jesus for allowing a sinner to approach him. Jesus tells Simon a parable about two debtors who owed a creditor five hundred pence and fifty pence, respectively. The creditor frankly forgives them both. Jesus uses this story to relate how those with the greater debts (which is all of us at some point) who find forgiveness, find a greater love for the Savior. My trials have brought me low, and have brought me closer to the Savior. Moroni taught an important message about Christ's teachings regarding repentance: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

I'm so grateful for my loving, supportive wife. I believe I am more happy and whole now than if I had chosen to continue to act on my homosexuality. I don't know if my homosexual feelings will ever completely go away, but I don't feel consumed by them like I had earlier in my life. I'm grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've felt its power as my life has drastically changed over the years. I know the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I don't have all the answers, but I try to learn more each day.

MoHo NoMo?

Here I am, finally telling my story on a broad--though anonymous--scale. For about the last year I've read and kept up with a few "MoHo" blogs (creepy...I know) and thank many of you for sharing your stories!

I will be posting about my life and experiences with same-sex attraction up to now. In a nutshell, I grew up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and knew from a very early age that I was attracted to men. I kept this a secret until I was pretty much forced to admit it near the end of high school. I went through a serious introspection of myself--resulting in my choices to build my testimony of the restored gospel, serve as a missionary for two years, and marry the love of my life.

In short, I have found that my homosexuality has been declining and that my heterosexuality is filling in the gap! Is this possible? Others have said I'm just deceiving myself and am living a lie. This could not be further from the truth. I cringe when I hear people say that those who are "gay" will never truly be happy unless they follow these same-sex attractions. For me, it has been the exact opposite.

I believe my path is leading me to the most fulfilling life I could ever imagine. I believe this perception comes from my religious beliefs as well as inherent human nature. If I had believed I was destined to immutable homosexuality, I would have been (and still would be) completely miserable. Luckily, I have found that not to be the case, and look forward to continuing on this path. It is fitting that today is Father's Day, because I look forward with anticipation to be a loving and caring father and husband.

Here is my story...