Born That Way?

I understand this topic is perhaps one of the most controversial topics in the world of homosexuality. I'm not focusing on answering this question generally, but I am answering it for my own situation.

Was I born with same-sex attraction? Well, I'm not sure because I don't remember what I was like as a baby. Do I believe that I had inherent traits that could have led me to same-sex attraction? Possibly. I have always yearned for attention from fellow males and can remember having a strong homo-emotional need since I can remember. I don't think that's uncommon for young boys though.

Are there environmental factors that affected my same-gender attraction? I definitely have clearer answers here that I can't ignore. I was abused by my older brother (13 years older than me) a handful of times when he had me perform oral sex when I was around 5 years old. My homo-emotional needs were taken advantage, and I now had a sexual experience at a very young age. I had a hard time getting along with other boys throughout elementary and junior high school because of being shy and feeling uncomfortable with sports. I had a couple of guy friends, but in general I would further exclude myself and not fulfill the healthy homo-emotional needs that I had. I don't know how it all fell into place, but as puberty hit on, a lot of guys begin fantasizing about girls, but this never really happened for me. I believe it was the unfulfilled homo-emotional cravings combined with the fact that, while normal guys were fantasizing about sexual things with girls, I already had a sexual experience with another man.

In high school, I began understanding my sexuality more fully, but was already so wrapped up in pornography, fantasizing, and masturbation that I felt I had little control over what I could do. I had a testimony of the restored gospel and church, and would have periods of success in my behavior, but this repeating destructive cycle was eroding my spirituality and mental health. I didn't want to have same-gender attractions. I wanted a wife and family to love and raise in the gospel. However, my addictions and fantasizing led me to action. I was caught, and was forced to confront this issue to my parents and myself.

So, facing this dilemma, what should I do?

Should someone who has had such negative childhood experiences that he believes contributed to same-sex attraction try to receive help to change, or should he just accept it as normal and adopt a gay identity?

With the environmental factors that I had experienced, it was easy for me to believe that homosexuality was not normal. Additionally, I already had deep spiritual experiences from the gospel that helped me find peace, happiness, and a testimony of the restored Church of Jesus Christ. The decision became clear and I got professional help and began a sincere repentance process. My lifestyle and outlook on my sexuality didn't change overnight...but I will leave this part to future posts!

In general, do I believe I was born gay? No. Do I blame it on people? No. Do I believe there are complex biological and environmental factors that played a role? Most definitely. More importantly however, the exact answer to this question isn't as important as where I'm headed in the future. I love my life and where it is going. Understanding and accepting my past has helped me to know my position, where I want to go, and to overcome and heal. Getting real help and being open with loved ones has brought me peace and perspective.