Here I am, finally telling my story on a broad--though anonymous--scale. For about the last year I've read and kept up with a few "MoHo" blogs (creepy...I know) and thank many of you for sharing your stories!
I will be posting about my life and experiences with same-sex attraction up to now. In a nutshell, I grew up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and knew from a very early age that I was attracted to men. I kept this a secret until I was pretty much forced to admit it near the end of high school. I went through a serious introspection of myself--resulting in my choices to build my testimony of the restored gospel, serve as a missionary for two years, and marry the love of my life.
In short, I have found that my homosexuality has been declining and that my heterosexuality is filling in the gap! Is this possible? Others have said I'm just deceiving myself and am living a lie. This could not be further from the truth. I cringe when I hear people say that those who are "gay" will never truly be happy unless they follow these same-sex attractions. For me, it has been the exact opposite.
I believe my path is leading me to the most fulfilling life I could ever imagine. I believe this perception comes from my religious beliefs as well as inherent human nature. If I had believed I was destined to immutable homosexuality, I would have been (and still would be) completely miserable. Luckily, I have found that not to be the case, and look forward to continuing on this path. It is fitting that today is Father's Day, because I look forward with anticipation to be a loving and caring father and husband.
Here is my story...
About Me
- For This Cause
- The purpose of this blog is to explain my life, my experiences with same-sex attraction, and to give help and hope. The topic of homosexuality is controversial. It is not my intent to debate or hurt others' feelings while I share my life story and opinions. I don't plan to let this blog consume my life, so I apologize if I don't post or reply to comments regularly!
12 comments:
Welcome to the blogging community. I look forward to following your journey. I can already tell that I'll have much to gain from your experiences.
Bravone
Curious to see if your journey has been similar to mine. :)
Remington
Wow! Thanks guys. I didn't think anyone would read this already :) I hope to continue learning from both of you.
Hi Mr. Cause,
I too look forward to your story. I love to see those who have found peace with this struggle. Like Remington who is trying with all his heart to focus on this issue as being a choice...that moves us...that through effort will bring peace. I see your journey as similar. This is great given all those who live with turmoil in their search for peace within the gosple. Part of my point is that these souls are of great value and should not be cast aside simply because they don't choose the route that you have chosen. We need to make an effort as humanity and as church members to see that they are included at the table of Christ. This is not happening. If you have read these blogs as I have....many simply disappear, or go on journeys, or fall away, or become discouraged, or turn to desparate measures to find their place.
Thanks everyone for your comments!
Keaton, I agree that we all can do more to reach out to those with this struggle. I however don't feel that we should change our doctrine or practice by approving of homosexual behavior. It was destructive to me, and I'm glad I found the help and sources to help me in this process of change. Sure, it sounds nice to be able to include everyone in the gospel, and I believe that is possible! But the gospel inevitably requires change to happen within each of us. It is after all, a straight and narrow path, and thankfully the Lord will help everyone on that path.
Hey. Inspiring my friend. Thank you. I am just starting to move in the good direction to. I love all the comments. Hopefully we can inspire each other.
Thanks for posting a comment on my blog. I have not been reading many blogs this summer so I had no way of finding you otherwise.
I'm glad your wife is so supportive. We have seen with others in this blog community that it makes a huge difference!
I am amazed when people are able to stay so committed to the church through all of this. You are a great example. I have a strong testimony, but as you know, my ties with the church are crumbling, and it is very, very hard for me. I am almost jealous that you don't have that struggle. :)
You said:
"I cringe when I hear people say that those who are "gay" will never truly be happy unless they follow these same-sex attractions. For me, it has been the exact opposite."
This idea also frustrates me because everyone is different and has their own path to follow. Just because someone has a bad experience with one thing and a good experience going another direction doesn't mean that it is the right path and should be forced on everyone.
However, one thing I have learned in this community is that even though everyone has different ideas and opinions, and even when we don't understand them, we can still learn from each other, reach out and lift each other up when we can.
Good luck in your journey. I would be happy to talk to you and your wife further if you ever need it. My email is in my profile.
With all due respect, I'll wait 20 years and see where you are. Whether your gay feelings have truly disappeared by then, or whether they finally break free from being smothered. I have great admiration for couples who make it that far with marriages intact. But the husbands are as gay as ever. Don't expect anything different.
Jacob - it really is a good direction! Thanks for the comment, and I hope I can learn from you too.
Sarah - Thanks for taking the time to read my blog! I can only imagine how busy you are, so it means a lot. Thanks!
Alan - Thanks for the somewhat bleak outlook, I guess? I understand your experiences may afford you a different perspective, but let me point out a few clarifications. First, my feelings are not being "smothered." Most of my teenager years they may have been somewhat smothered, but the last 7 years have been a healing process as I've opened to my family and began solving some of the emotional problems that I believe have led to same-sex attraction from a very early age. I never said that those feelings would completely go away, but I already don't feel "as gay as ever." If I was, I would not have married my wife and would not be attracted to her in every way like I am now. I am happy, and know several others in my same situation who are truly, really, completely happy and I/we plan on staying that way. Thank you for the concern though (and maybe we'll see where each of us is in the next 20 years) Take care
Clarification. I have already done the marriage years. They started out filled with the same intentions you've expressed. I believed the balance was shifting for me too and I said everything you have in your comment just above. So I am not being theoretical here.
All I'm saying is that if you want to be fair to both yourself and to her, you MUST be honest with yourself, brutally, agonizingly, totally honest, and you must do so without regard to the pressure you feel from the Church to conform to its pattern. That may seem heretical to you, but I've grown up with it too and I know the position you're in.
I don't know you but I recognize your pattern: chances are you married your wife without telling her you were gay, you married her out of as much a sense of duty as anything else, and you have been desperate to hold onto your trust and belief in the Church in hopes that complying with the approved life pattern will eventually make all those gay feelings go away or at least ebb to a tolerable level.
All that is certainly your choice and I respect everyone's free will to decide what they want for their own lives. But having been through the exact same thing, and starting out with the exact same attitudes, my experience and that of many others is that if you expect those feelings to go away then you are setting yourself up for disappointment if not disaster. I don't want to depress you, I want you to have eyes wide open. Because your decision is affecting other lives and will continue doing that, especially if you have children.
This is why I strongly urge you to be brutally honest with yourself without regard to the pressure you feel from the Church and your family to conform to what they tell you that you should want. And make your choices based on that, not on ANY external influence.
The Church itself has acknowledged the wreckage caused by its previous advice to "just get married and that'll make the gay go away," and a few years ago President Hinckley himself publicly stated that gay Mormons should NOT marry for that purpose. One of the many complete reversals in the Church's treatment of this topic.
I know I'm being very blunt with you, but please believe it's not out of malice or antipathy. I want you to look squarely and clearly at your situation, tough as it might be. Not only your own happiness, but the lives and happiness of at least one and possibly more than one other person hang in the balance and depend on your absolute, unqualified, total honesty.
If after that unblinking look and examination you still are 100% confident of the path you are on, then fine. Just keep in mind you have chosen something supremely difficult. As I said before, I honor and respect my friends who've chosen this path and whose wives know everything and are in full support. They are amazing people. They are also a small minority.
Be absolutely sure you have what it takes to join them, if you try.
Alan, I'm sorry if I came off too harsh, and I'm sorry for the situation that you have had to go through. I agree mostly with what you have said. I have done my best to already take that advice and the answer to marry my wife was clear and one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I am completely honest with her. Were you completely honest with your wife from the beginning (just wondering)? Thank you for your concern, but again, I am happy, I am different than 7 years ago, and we love our life.
I will be busy the next few weeks so I am sorry if I don't respond. Take care,
In short, I have found that my homosexuality has been declining and that my heterosexuality is filling in the gap! Is this possible? Others have said I'm just deceiving myself and am living a lie. This could not be further from the truth. I cringe when I hear people say that those who are "gay" will never truly be happy unless they follow these same-sex attractions. For me, it has been the exact opposite.
I agree with you 100%. I will admit that my SSA/SGA feelings wax and wane, and it's truly dependent on me and what I'm doing.
I think that human sexuality is significantly more fluid than the activists of either camp would have us believe, and I think that as long as we choose to live according to the Gospel, we'll truly be happy.
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