So how did a guy like me who experiences same-sex attraction end up marrying an amazing girl? It’s a really long story but I will try to explain.
I went throughout junior high, high school, and the beginning of college without any serious relationships. I was attracted to guys but never had any relationship or even strong friendship with any guys. I began a recurring addiction to masturbation, fantasy, and pornography. I seemed happy on the outside but I was very lonely and depressed at occasions on the inside. I went on occasional dates with girls but never wanted or desired for things to become romantic. I became best friends with one girl and my family and friends teased about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but I never saw her like that…just a friend. I realized I had homosexual feelings and fantasies but always assumed they would go away and that I would meet the perfect girl.
My senior year of high school I went through an extreme turning point in my life after my parents began to be in the know about me and my struggles. I wish I had let them in sooner because being able to finally talk about it and get help was the best thing to begin healing. I met with an LDS Family Services counselor once and he helped me understand my feelings of loneliness and gave me hope for my new life that would begin in a few months when I left for college.
I came to BYU and was blessed to meet some of the greatest people that have become my best friends to this day. I was very nervous because I left everyone behind and didn’t know anybody at all! My sister was living in Salt Lake and that was the closest person I knew. I remember meeting one of my roommates my first night. He had come up from the swimming pool with his shirt off and I thought, oh great, this isn’t going to start off very well for me… He was a senior and was recently divorced (not what I was expecting as a new freshman at BYU..haha) However, as I became friends with him and my other roommates, they included and encircled me like a brother. I had never been so happy. I didn’t look at pornography or masturbate that whole year. I really began to believe that my problems were homo-emotional, and that anything sexual was gone. This gave me hope.
Being around these guys also got me excited and anxious to serve a mission. I’d always had plans and a desire to go, but that year sealed the deal. I received my mission call in Provo the end of my freshmen year. Those two years brought a lot of emotional growth and joy as I learned to love those I was serving.
My emotions and other problems still hurt, especially after I had become so attached to these friends as our ways parted. But life moved on, and some of the same problems recurred. However, my hope and love of the gospel continued to grow through these trials. I’ve come to believe that trials are catalysts in our life that can either harden our hearts through cynicism and anger, or they can soften our hearts, and bring us closer to God and His will for us. This hit me one day on my mission as I was studying the Book of Mormon and the reactions that many years of war and struggle had on the Nephites and Lamanites (Alma 62:41). Many became angry and bitter…others became more humble. I have thought often about what makes the difference and tried to apply that in my life. I committed that I would never harden my heart and not be so cynical or angry about bad things that happened in life.
Life after my mission was still a roller coaster, but with not so many ups and downs. I had great roommates, but not as close as before. I made great friends and loved most of the classes I was taking. After being home a year, I started a new job on campus through a friend from my mission. I began working a shift with a girl that I really enjoyed being around. I looked forward to those shifts. She was bright, funny, and very outgoing. I knew she was being flirtatious and began to be nervous as she started being more forward with me. We began doing things outside work and became great friends. We were soon going on dates and spending a lot of time together. I knew she was an attractive girl, but my fears and inexperience were nerve racking! Soon she confronted me after one of our classes and asked me if I liked her and if I was going to date her. I told her that I loved being around her but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a committed relationship. I walked her to her apartment then headed home.
As I walked home, I thought about her and me…me and her. I prayed to know what to do and if I should date her. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but I got a clear answer that day as I walked home. Dating her was the right thing to do. I was never more excited in my life. I ran home and called her, only to get her voicemail (she had probably been bawling and fell asleep after I dropped her off). I then wrote a message to her, partly in reply to a message she had sent me earlier that I had never responded to during Christmas Break:
XOXO!
By the way, I really did like this email. Christmas break was interesting. The brother right below me has been having a hard time and doesn't really seem to have a testimony of the gospel. He's not going on a mission and feels that many teachings of the church do not fit with his views. I read this email after having a hard conversation with him and it really helped to lift me up and have a more meaningful talk with him the next day. I especially liked the summary part:
"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life to God will find he has Eternal Life."
That's why I love this gospel and rejoice in its truth (and yes, it really has strengthened my muscles....in times of need :) I can't explain everything and it can be frustrating...but I can't deny the personal experiences I have and the continual confirmations I receive. Growing up, I saw people leave the gospel, but it's hard when it's happening to my family. I know though that through the Atonement of Christ, we can come back and return to God's presence spotless and pure. I just wanted to let you know that this email did have meaning and came at an important time over the break.
I've also realized that I haven't been putting priorities in place in my life. While grades, school, etc. are all important things, I've neglected other things like spiritual studying, DATING, etc. I thought about our relationship, about how much I enjoy being around you, for example: you are smart, you are hilarious, you are beautiful, you have a strong testimony, you are involved in so many things.....I thought to myself "you do like XOXO!". well, I really do like you and don't think I expressed myself correctly earlier. You had the guts to tell me you liked me and I am inconsistent. But I am turning a new page and want to date more. I tried calling you a second ago to see if you want to do something, so call me!!
Love,
Me
P.S. I am not always this weird. Take care!
To be continued…
No comments:
Post a Comment