Spring

I love you. I wish I had more time to appreciate you right now :)

Finding Ourselves

My wife and I had the opportunity to go to the “Stand for the Family” Symposium organized by students from BYU’s Family Law Society as well as students from the School of Family Life and many other departments.  It was an incredible event which brought professional speakers from across the community and country to speak about topics like pornography, divorce, homosexuality, and the importance of marriage in our society.  The discussions were healing and enlightening.

The part I wish to focus on was the keynote address from Elder Bruce D. Porter of the Seventy, who spoke on the eternal family.  He spoke a lot about morality and tolerance and how society’s definitions and understanding of those words has been changing.  More and more everyone seeks to find their own meaning of morality, or what is right and wrong for them instead of what might inherently be right and wrong in general.  We are becoming “intolerant” in that we can no longer say no to the almighty “self”.

We are often bombarded with messages like “do whatever makes you happy”, “be yourself”, and “find your own path that is right for you” which I don’t think are necessarily bad, but the focus on self in the midst of moral relativism has left many even more lost, confused, and frustrated.  Elder Porter commented that in the midst of the growing confusion where people are trying to find themselves, the words of the Savior ring more clearly “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matt 10:39).  “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me” (John 14:7).

I add my simple testimony that I know that I have been happiest when I “lose” myself in the work, love, and grace of God and his gospel.  I find true meaning to my life, my purpose, and my salvation that I can find nowhere else.  I say that in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

On another note, I got the chance to briefly meet A. Dean Byrd, but I will save that for another post :)

Sheep

I think sheep get a bad wrap.  On several occasions I have heard or read comments about how religious people are “sheeple” who blindly follow their leaders.  I have often taken moments to stop and think—“do I fit into that stereotype?”  A few days ago I was reading in John 10, and came across these scriptures:

  1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.

  2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.

  3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out.

  4 And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.

  5 And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.

  6 This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them.

  7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.

  8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.

  9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

  10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

  11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

  12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.

  13 The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.

  14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.

I have read this passage before, but some things just stuck out when I read it…or maybe it was just a good memory refresher.  I don’t think sheep follow blindly, or else they would follow the stranger just as much as the shepherd.  They follow the shepherd because they know his voice and trust him.  They know that safety and protection come when they are near him and follow him.

I found a great quote from R. Conrad Schultz, a Seventy:

One of the… ploys of the adversary is to have us believe that unquestioning obedience to the principles and commandments of God is blind obedience. His goal is to have us believe that we should be following our own worldly ways and selfish ambitions. This he does by persuading us that “blindly” following the prophets and obeying the commandments is not thinking for ourselves. He teaches that it is not intelligent to do something just because we are told to do so by a living prophet or by prophets who speak to us from the scriptures.

Our unquestioning obedience to the Lord’s commandments is not blind obedience. President Boyd K. Packer in the April conference of 1983 taught us about this: “Latter-day Saints are not obedient because they are compelled to be obedient. They are obedient because they know certain spiritual truths and have decided, as an expression of their own individual agency, to obey the commandments of God. … We are not obedient because we are blind, we are obedient because we can see” (“Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66).

I have chosen to follow the Savior and his prophet, not blindly, but because I have grown to trust them.  I hear the voice of the Spirit.  I find happiness in this life and salvation in the next when I am near the Savior and strive to follow his commandments.  I do not feel like I am “blindly” following anybody.  I think those who are guilty of being blind followers are those who are following the moral decay and other trends prevalent in our world.  I know who I am following and I have confidence in him.  I hope to be able to continue to recognize and hear the Savior’s voice in my life.

Meeting My Wife, Part II

After I sent the message, I took a nap only to get a call a few minutes later.  She was calling back because she had seen my missed call, but she hadn’t read my message yet.  I told her I sent a message, and if I remember correctly she began reading it while I waited on the phone (kind of awkward!).  I asked her excitedly if she would go out to eat with me, and she said yes!

This began a very happy, excited, and new experience of being in a relationship.  I had never dated anyone seriously and never kissed a girl (besides my mom and grandma :) ).  You can imagine how nervous I was as I chartered into the unknown.  Things progressed slowly—it took me a month to even start holding hands.  As time passed, I was more and more excited about romantic things like hugging, holding hands, kissing, and “making out.”  I was falling in love with this girl—romantically, spiritually, and emotionally—something that I thought would not be possible!  We began to spend every day together, and I loved it.

After several months things progressed and we were talking about marriage!  We both felt right about it and were soon talking about dates that summer.  Around this time, my younger brother sent a message to most of my family about how he struggled with same-sex attraction.  This was a shock to me!  How could I have not even known that someone in my own family was dealing with the same thing I had been for so long.  I felt somewhat guilty and didn’t know exactly how to respond.  It also brought up how I would handle this in my new relationship.  I was scared to death about bringing this up with her and feared that I would scare her away.  Conversations came up where I had admitted that I had problems with pornography off and on in the past, but I was still too ashamed to tell her about my same-sex attractions.

I finally wrote back my brother expressing my love to him and gratitude that he had the courage to open up to us—something I had done only to our parents because I had been caught.  I explained my past and how I was currently in love in my new relationship.  He wrote back and encouraged me to talk with my soon to be fiancée about my struggles, but like I had mentioned above, I was too embarrassed and felt I had overcome enough to set it aside.

Our engagement and marriage were surreal.  It was the best summer of my life, but I had never opened up that part of my history to her.  Several months later, the whole Proposition 8 thing began to surface emotions as I watched my brother become bitter and confused around the issue and the results of the election.  I had never really been involved or read about gay rights’ issues previous to this point.  My opinions differ from my brother and it was hard not to be enwrapped and worried about him.  During this time, I finally opened up to my wife and broke down and told her everything about my past.  Working through our emotions that night and that week were a struggle, to say the least.  Things have been rocky and old addictions recurred, but as I’ve been completely open with my wife and gotten appropriate help with couples counseling and addiction groups, I’ve finally felt healing at a level I’ve never had before.

I love my wife.  Meeting her and being married to her has been the best thing to happen in my life!  I still wonder why so many people, even in my own family, must go through this struggle (both pornography and/or homosexuality), and how is it that I’ve ended up on one side of this issue, while many others turn to the other end of the spectrum.  I am sometimes grateful that I didn’t know much about homosexuality and gay rights’ groups growing up because I may have been more entrenched with an idea that I was born to be gay and that I couldn’t marry a woman and be happy.  If that were the case I don’t think I would have ever found true happiness for myself.  On the other hand, I’ve learned a lot recently about others going through the same struggle… and have used the experiences to help me and my wife.  The path is sometimes hard, but I am truly happy and thank the Lord each day for my life and for my wife and pray that we can reach out to learn from others and offer hope too.

Meeting My Wife, Part I

So how did a guy like me who experiences same-sex attraction end up marrying an amazing girl?  It’s a really long story but I will try to explain.

I went throughout junior high, high school, and the beginning of college without any serious relationships.  I was attracted to guys but never had any relationship or even strong friendship with any guys.  I began a recurring addiction to masturbation, fantasy, and pornography.  I seemed happy on the outside but I was very lonely and depressed at occasions on the inside.  I went on occasional dates with girls but never wanted or desired for things to become romantic.  I became best friends with one girl and my family and friends teased about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but I never saw her like that…just a friend.  I realized I had homosexual feelings and fantasies but always assumed they would go away and that I would meet the perfect girl.

My senior year of high school I went through an extreme turning point in my life after my parents began to be in the know about me and my struggles.  I wish I had let them in sooner because being able to finally talk about it and get help was the best thing to begin healing.  I met with an LDS Family Services counselor once and he helped me understand my feelings of loneliness and gave me hope for my new life that would begin in a few months when I left for college.

I came to BYU and was blessed to meet some of the greatest people that have become my best friends to this day.  I was very nervous because I left everyone behind and didn’t know anybody at all!  My sister was living in Salt Lake and that was the closest person I knew.  I remember meeting one of my roommates my first night.  He had come up from the swimming pool with his shirt off and I thought, oh great, this isn’t going to start off very well for me…  He was a senior and was recently divorced (not what I was expecting as a new freshman at BYU..haha)  However, as I became friends with him and my other roommates, they included and encircled me like a brother.  I had never been so happy.  I didn’t look at pornography or masturbate that whole year.  I really began to believe that my problems were homo-emotional, and that anything sexual was gone.  This gave me hope.

Being around these guys also got me excited and anxious to serve a mission.  I’d always had plans and a desire to go, but that year sealed the deal.  I received my mission call in Provo the end of my freshmen year.  Those two years brought a lot of emotional growth and joy as I learned to love those I was serving.

My emotions and other problems still hurt, especially after I had become so attached to these friends as our ways parted.  But life moved on, and some of the same problems recurred.  However, my hope and love of the gospel continued to grow through these trials.  I’ve come to believe that trials are catalysts in our life that can either harden our hearts through cynicism and anger, or they can soften our hearts, and bring us closer to God and His will for us.  This hit me one day on my mission as I was studying the Book of Mormon and the reactions that many years of war and struggle had on the Nephites and Lamanites (Alma 62:41).  Many became angry and bitter…others became more humble.  I have thought often about what makes the difference and tried to apply that in my life.  I committed that I would never harden my heart and not be so cynical or angry about bad things that happened in life.

Life after my mission was still a roller coaster, but with not so many ups and downs.  I had great roommates, but not as close as before.  I made great friends and loved most of the classes I was taking.  After being home a year, I started a new job on campus through a friend from my mission.  I began working a shift with a girl that I really enjoyed being around.  I looked forward to those shifts.  She was bright, funny, and very outgoing.  I knew she was being flirtatious and began to be nervous as she started being more forward with me.  We began doing things outside work and became great friends.  We were soon going on dates and spending a lot of time together.  I knew she was an attractive girl, but my fears and inexperience were nerve racking!  Soon she confronted me after one of our classes and asked me if I liked her and if I was going to date her.  I told her that I loved being around her but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a committed relationship.  I walked her to her apartment then headed home.

As I walked home, I thought about her and me…me and her.  I prayed to know what to do and if I should date her.  I don’t know quite how to explain it, but I got a clear answer that day as I walked home.  Dating her was the right thing to do.  I was never more excited in my life.  I ran home and called her, only to get her voicemail (she had probably been bawling and fell asleep after I dropped her off).  I then wrote a message to her, partly in reply to a message she had sent me earlier that I had never responded to during Christmas Break:

XOXO!

By the way, I really did like this email.  Christmas break was interesting.  The brother right below me has been having a hard time and doesn't really seem to have a testimony of the gospel.  He's not going on a mission and feels that many teachings of the church do not fit with his views.  I read this email after having a hard conversation with him and it really helped to lift me up and have a more meaningful talk with him the next day.  I especially liked the summary part:

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life to God will find he has Eternal Life."

That's why I love this gospel and rejoice in its truth (and yes, it really has strengthened my muscles....in times of need :)  I can't explain everything and it can be frustrating...but I can't deny the personal experiences I have and the continual confirmations I receive.  Growing up, I saw people leave the gospel, but it's hard when it's happening to my family.  I know though that through the Atonement of Christ, we can come back and return to God's presence spotless and pure.  I just wanted to let you know that this email did have meaning and came at an important time over the break.

I've also realized that I haven't been putting priorities in place in my life.  While grades, school, etc. are all important things, I've neglected other things like spiritual studying, DATING, etc.  I thought about our relationship, about how much I enjoy being around you, for example: you are smart, you are hilarious, you are beautiful, you have a strong testimony, you are involved in so many things.....I thought to myself "you do like XOXO!".  well, I really do like you and don't think I expressed myself correctly earlier.  You had the guts to tell me you liked me and I am inconsistent.  But I am turning a new page and want to date more.  I tried calling you a second ago to see if you want to do something, so call me!!

Love,

Me

P.S.  I am not always this weird.  Take care!

To be continued…

A New Year

I decided once again to dedicate myself to writing in my journal once a week or more. I’ve been feeling compelled to do this more and more lately because I believe I have an important story to tell. I believe things that I experience will be very beneficial to others, especially my future children and grandchildren.

Today was ward conference, and it was focused on making the most out of our current situation and not waiting when we are more settled, or “I’ll be better at this when…” We live in a very transient student married ward where people are in the ward on average for about a year. This makes it very hard to feel like wanting to put in effort to make friends, reach out, and fulfill callings.  President XXXX introduced the topic by sharing a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants given to Bishop Edward Partridge about how even though he may be moving from place to place, he should act as if he would be there for years.  It made me want to do my best to be more involved and live my life to the fullest today.

Another neat thing this morning occurred when I was getting ready for church.  I was preparing tithing which we hadn’t paid for over two months because of the holidays, etc.  I ended up writing a check for over $800.  Most people would scoff at the idea of giving that much to some church and would think I was crazy!  I don’t know exactly why, but I’ve never felt unwilling to pay.  Deep down I realized that I’ve been so blessed by the Lord with school, jobs, money…everything!  It sounds strange but I am grateful to pay tithing and fast offerings because it is one way in many that I can show appreciation and gratitude and further the work of God and his church on the earth.  Every good thing in my life has been linked in some way to the church and the restored gospel.  I can’t afford not to give back.  God gives me my daily breath, I cannot ever repay his love and mercy towards me.  I know that money in itself is not important to the Lord, but tithing has changed and softened my heart and brought me closer to Him.  I’m thankful I could have that private, gentle, spiritual experience as I sat at my desk this morning.

Thanksgiving

So I'm not so good with this blogging thing--not that I don't enjoy it, but life is busy and when I do have free time I find myself reading or watching TV with my wife. So now that school is over for the week, I have about 10x as much free time!

People have been posting a lot about what they are grateful for on blogs and Facebook, so I thought I would join (it's refreshing)

1) I am grateful for free time during the holidays. Do you remember how excited you got in grade school/jr.high/high school for Christmas and summer break? I don't think that excitement will ever go away for me. I'm grateful for that feeling.

2) I am grateful for my family. I won't be with my immediate family for Thanksgiving, but will see them briefly before Christmas. I haven't lived near my family since 2003, and I think it has made being with them even more sweeter. I can't wait!

3) I am grateful for friends. I have always had trouble with feelings of loneliness and had hard time making and keeping good friends, especially among guys. I believe my homosexuality grew largely due to a lack of homoemotional support that I missed throughout my adolescent years. I still have those feelings, but not as often as before. Coming to BYU really brought me out of my shell and I was lucky to have some of the best roommates who took me in. I got to spend some time with one of those roommates yesterday--it was great to catch up and talk like nothing had changed. Friends make life fun and enjoyable.

4) I am grateful for my wife. Nothing makes me happier than to be with her. She understands me more than anybody. We can be completely honest with each other, and I am grateful for that! Things aren't always perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She is the love of my life!!! (I never promised that this wouldn't be cheesy :) )

5) I am grateful for my Savior and that His gospel has been restored on the earth. It has given me hope and salvation. I am grateful for my testimony. There is so much confusion and doubt in the world, and I at times feel their dark shadows looming in my soul. Somehow the love of the Lord breaks through and I am able to move forward in faith, not knowing all the answers, but knowing that He loves and lives. I will never be able to deny the Atonement and the power of the priesthood.