For This Cause

Sports

2010-11-01T22:06:00.000-06:00

My wife and I have started going out to a neighborhood park in the evenings to practice volleyball and shoot some hoops. I’ve always been terrible at sports, and as a result often felt excluded or intimidated by most male peers most of my life because sports in our society is an extremely valued activity, especially among guys. I never participated in any extra-curricular sports and instead focused on school work and music. By the end of high school, I found that I actually could become good at athletic activities and began running and exercising a lot more. I made the track team the end of my junior year. It felt great but I regretted missing out on all of the male bonding and friends I could have made if I had just been more outgoing in elementary school and junior high.

My freshman year of college at BYU was one of the greatest years of my life. I had amazing freshman roommates that became my best friends. We did a lot of physical activities together and hung out a lot. This period of time was when I discovered how happy and addiction-free I could be when I had a good group of male friends. However, things change. They started dating, moved, got married, etc. and I found myself alone again. My mission boosted me back up again with the camaraderie of fellow missionaries. Sports is also pretty much required on P-days! I began to realize I needed to be proactive in male relationships and in my desire to become better at sports. After coming home, I tried to be more actively involved and initiate activities instead of being the introvert. My wife has been a great help to me in the process—I’m grateful she is better at most sports than me! I helped start an ultimate intramural team and got a lot of my friends to join. It’s still hard for me to push myself to go to Elder’s quorum basketball nights or similar activities. However, as I have been practicing different sports with my wife at the park I’m finding myself more and more comfortable and less intimidated around other guys, and likewise easier to talk, carry conversations, and make new guy friends. This morning I played a game of ultimate with my coworkers and scored almost half of the points on my team!

I’m grateful for the passion I’m finding to excel in new things. I’m grateful for my loving wife who keeps patiently encouraging me when I bump the volleyball behind me instead of towards her, and then makes me practice until I do it right three times in a row! I’ve found that sports are a great activity and it’s never too late to learn and improve! P.S. Baseball still intimidates me. Booo Giants

Spring

2010-04-14T19:01:00.001-06:00

I love you. I wish I had more time to appreciate you right now :)

Finding Ourselves

2010-03-07T21:55:00.001-07:00

My wife and I had the opportunity to go to the “Stand for the Family” Symposium organized by students from BYU’s Family Law Society as well as students from the School of Family Life and many other departments. It was an incredible event which brought professional speakers from across the community and country to speak about topics like pornography, divorce, homosexuality, and the importance of marriage in our society. The discussions were healing and enlightening.

The part I wish to focus on was the keynote address from Elder Bruce D. Porter of the Seventy, who spoke on the eternal family. He spoke a lot about morality and tolerance and how society’s definitions and understanding of those words has been changing. More and more everyone seeks to find their own meaning of morality, or what is right and wrong for them instead of what might inherently be right and wrong in general. We are becoming “intolerant” in that we can no longer say no to the almighty “self”.

We are often bombarded with messages like “do whatever makes you happy”, “be yourself”, and “find your own path that is right for you” which I don’t think are necessarily bad, but the focus on self in the midst of moral relativism has left many even more lost, confused, and frustrated. Elder Porter commented that in the midst of the growing confusion where people are trying to find themselves, the words of the Savior ring more clearly “He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it” (Matt 10:39). “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me” (John 14:7).

I add my simple testimony that I know that I have been happiest when I “lose” myself in the work, love, and grace of God and his gospel. I find true meaning to my life, my purpose, and my salvation that I can find nowhere else. I say that in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

On another note, I got the chance to briefly meet A. Dean Byrd, but I will save that for another post :)

Sheep

2010-02-21T22:41:00.000-07:00

I think sheep get a bad wrap. On several occasions I have heard or read comments about how religious people are “sheeple” who blindly follow their leaders. I have often taken moments to stop and think—“do I fit into that stereotype?” A few days ago I was reading in John 10, and came across these scriptures:

1 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that entereth not by the door into the sheepfold, but climbeth up some other way, the same is a thief and a robber.

2 But he that entereth in by the door is the shepherd of the sheep.

3 To him the porter openeth; and the sheep hear his voice: and he calleth his own sheep by name, and leadeth them out.

4 And when he putteth forth his own sheep, he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him: for they know his voice.

5 And a stranger will they not follow, but will flee from him: for they know not the voice of strangers.

6 This parable spake Jesus unto them: but they understood not what things they were which he spake unto them.

7 Then said Jesus unto them again, Verily, verily, I say unto you, I am the door of the sheep.

8 All that ever came before me are thieves and robbers: but the sheep did not hear them.

9 I am the door: by me if any man enter in, he shall be saved, and shall go in and out, and find pasture.

10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

11 I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.

12 But he that is an hireling, and not the shepherd, whose own the sheep are not, seeth the wolf coming, and leaveth the sheep, and fleeth: and the wolf catcheth them, and scattereth the sheep.

13 The hireling fleeth, because he is an hireling, and careth not for the sheep.

14 I am the good shepherd, and know my sheep, and am known of mine.

I have read this passage before, but some things just stuck out when I read it…or maybe it was just a good memory refresher. I don’t think sheep follow blindly, or else they would follow the stranger just as much as the shepherd. They follow the shepherd because they know his voice and trust him. They know that safety and protection come when they are near him and follow him.

I found a great quote from R. Conrad Schultz, a Seventy:

One of the… ploys of the adversary is to have us believe that unquestioning obedience to the principles and commandments of God is blind obedience. His goal is to have us believe that we should be following our own worldly ways and selfish ambitions. This he does by persuading us that “blindly” following the prophets and obeying the commandments is not thinking for ourselves. He teaches that it is not intelligent to do something just because we are told to do so by a living prophet or by prophets who speak to us from the scriptures.

Our unquestioning obedience to the Lord’s commandments is not blind obedience. President Boyd K. Packer in the April conference of 1983 taught us about this: “Latter-day Saints are not obedient because they are compelled to be obedient. They are obedient because they know certain spiritual truths and have decided, as an expression of their own individual agency, to obey the commandments of God. … We are not obedient because we are blind, we are obedient because we can see” (“Agency and Control,” Ensign, May 1983, 66).

I have chosen to follow the Savior and his prophet, not blindly, but because I have grown to trust them. I hear the voice of the Spirit. I find happiness in this life and salvation in the next when I am near the Savior and strive to follow his commandments. I do not feel like I am “blindly” following anybody. I think those who are guilty of being blind followers are those who are following the moral decay and other trends prevalent in our world. I know who I am following and I have confidence in him. I hope to be able to continue to recognize and hear the Savior’s voice in my life.

Meeting My Wife, Part II

2010-01-31T22:13:00.000-07:00

After I sent the message, I took a nap only to get a call a few minutes later. She was calling back because she had seen my missed call, but she hadn’t read my message yet. I told her I sent a message, and if I remember correctly she began reading it while I waited on the phone (kind of awkward!). I asked her excitedly if she would go out to eat with me, and she said yes!

This began a very happy, excited, and new experience of being in a relationship. I had never dated anyone seriously and never kissed a girl (besides my mom and grandma :) ). You can imagine how nervous I was as I chartered into the unknown. Things progressed slowly—it took me a month to even start holding hands. As time passed, I was more and more excited about romantic things like hugging, holding hands, kissing, and “making out.” I was falling in love with this girl—romantically, spiritually, and emotionally—something that I thought would not be possible! We began to spend every day together, and I loved it.

After several months things progressed and we were talking about marriage! We both felt right about it and were soon talking about dates that summer. Around this time, my younger brother sent a message to most of my family about how he struggled with same-sex attraction. This was a shock to me! How could I have not even known that someone in my own family was dealing with the same thing I had been for so long. I felt somewhat guilty and didn’t know exactly how to respond. It also brought up how I would handle this in my new relationship. I was scared to death about bringing this up with her and feared that I would scare her away. Conversations came up where I had admitted that I had problems with pornography off and on in the past, but I was still too ashamed to tell her about my same-sex attractions.

I finally wrote back my brother expressing my love to him and gratitude that he had the courage to open up to us—something I had done only to our parents because I had been caught. I explained my past and how I was currently in love in my new relationship. He wrote back and encouraged me to talk with my soon to be fiancée about my struggles, but like I had mentioned above, I was too embarrassed and felt I had overcome enough to set it aside.

Our engagement and marriage were surreal. It was the best summer of my life, but I had never opened up that part of my history to her. Several months later, the whole Proposition 8 thing began to surface emotions as I watched my brother become bitter and confused around the issue and the results of the election. I had never really been involved or read about gay rights’ issues previous to this point. My opinions differ from my brother and it was hard not to be enwrapped and worried about him. During this time, I finally opened up to my wife and broke down and told her everything about my past. Working through our emotions that night and that week were a struggle, to say the least. Things have been rocky and old addictions recurred, but as I’ve been completely open with my wife and gotten appropriate help with couples counseling and addiction groups, I’ve finally felt healing at a level I’ve never had before.

I love my wife. Meeting her and being married to her has been the best thing to happen in my life! I still wonder why so many people, even in my own family, must go through this struggle (both pornography and/or homosexuality), and how is it that I’ve ended up on one side of this issue, while many others turn to the other end of the spectrum. I am sometimes grateful that I didn’t know much about homosexuality and gay rights’ groups growing up because I may have been more entrenched with an idea that I was born to be gay and that I couldn’t marry a woman and be happy. If that were the case I don’t think I would have ever found true happiness for myself. On the other hand, I’ve learned a lot recently about others going through the same struggle… and have used the experiences to help me and my wife. The path is sometimes hard, but I am truly happy and thank the Lord each day for my life and for my wife and pray that we can reach out to learn from others and offer hope too.

Meeting My Wife, Part I

2010-01-24T22:13:00.000-07:00

So how did a guy like me who experiences same-sex attraction end up marrying an amazing girl? It’s a really long story but I will try to explain.

I went throughout junior high, high school, and the beginning of college without any serious relationships. I was attracted to guys but never had any relationship or even strong friendship with any guys. I began a recurring addiction to masturbation, fantasy, and pornography. I seemed happy on the outside but I was very lonely and depressed at occasions on the inside. I went on occasional dates with girls but never wanted or desired for things to become romantic. I became best friends with one girl and my family and friends teased about how we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but I never saw her like that…just a friend. I realized I had homosexual feelings and fantasies but always assumed they would go away and that I would meet the perfect girl.

My senior year of high school I went through an extreme turning point in my life after my parents began to be in the know about me and my struggles. I wish I had let them in sooner because being able to finally talk about it and get help was the best thing to begin healing. I met with an LDS Family Services counselor once and he helped me understand my feelings of loneliness and gave me hope for my new life that would begin in a few months when I left for college.

I came to BYU and was blessed to meet some of the greatest people that have become my best friends to this day. I was very nervous because I left everyone behind and didn’t know anybody at all! My sister was living in Salt Lake and that was the closest person I knew. I remember meeting one of my roommates my first night. He had come up from the swimming pool with his shirt off and I thought, oh great, this isn’t going to start off very well for me… He was a senior and was recently divorced (not what I was expecting as a new freshman at BYU..haha) However, as I became friends with him and my other roommates, they included and encircled me like a brother. I had never been so happy. I didn’t look at pornography or masturbate that whole year. I really began to believe that my problems were homo-emotional, and that anything sexual was gone. This gave me hope.

Being around these guys also got me excited and anxious to serve a mission. I’d always had plans and a desire to go, but that year sealed the deal. I received my mission call in Provo the end of my freshmen year. Those two years brought a lot of emotional growth and joy as I learned to love those I was serving.

My emotions and other problems still hurt, especially after I had become so attached to these friends as our ways parted. But life moved on, and some of the same problems recurred. However, my hope and love of the gospel continued to grow through these trials. I’ve come to believe that trials are catalysts in our life that can either harden our hearts through cynicism and anger, or they can soften our hearts, and bring us closer to God and His will for us. This hit me one day on my mission as I was studying the Book of Mormon and the reactions that many years of war and struggle had on the Nephites and Lamanites (Alma 62:41). Many became angry and bitter…others became more humble. I have thought often about what makes the difference and tried to apply that in my life. I committed that I would never harden my heart and not be so cynical or angry about bad things that happened in life.

Life after my mission was still a roller coaster, but with not so many ups and downs. I had great roommates, but not as close as before. I made great friends and loved most of the classes I was taking. After being home a year, I started a new job on campus through a friend from my mission. I began working a shift with a girl that I really enjoyed being around. I looked forward to those shifts. She was bright, funny, and very outgoing. I knew she was being flirtatious and began to be nervous as she started being more forward with me. We began doing things outside work and became great friends. We were soon going on dates and spending a lot of time together. I knew she was an attractive girl, but my fears and inexperience were nerve racking! Soon she confronted me after one of our classes and asked me if I liked her and if I was going to date her. I told her that I loved being around her but I wasn’t sure if I was ready for a committed relationship. I walked her to her apartment then headed home.

As I walked home, I thought about her and me…me and her. I prayed to know what to do and if I should date her. I don’t know quite how to explain it, but I got a clear answer that day as I walked home. Dating her was the right thing to do. I was never more excited in my life. I ran home and called her, only to get her voicemail (she had probably been bawling and fell asleep after I dropped her off). I then wrote a message to her, partly in reply to a message she had sent me earlier that I had never responded to during Christmas Break:

XOXO!

By the way, I really did like this email. Christmas break was interesting. The brother right below me has been having a hard time and doesn't really seem to have a testimony of the gospel. He's not going on a mission and feels that many teachings of the church do not fit with his views. I read this email after having a hard conversation with him and it really helped to lift me up and have a more meaningful talk with him the next day. I especially liked the summary part:

"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life to God will find he has Eternal Life."

That's why I love this gospel and rejoice in its truth (and yes, it really has strengthened my muscles....in times of need :) I can't explain everything and it can be frustrating...but I can't deny the personal experiences I have and the continual confirmations I receive. Growing up, I saw people leave the gospel, but it's hard when it's happening to my family. I know though that through the Atonement of Christ, we can come back and return to God's presence spotless and pure. I just wanted to let you know that this email did have meaning and came at an important time over the break.

I've also realized that I haven't been putting priorities in place in my life. While grades, school, etc. are all important things, I've neglected other things like spiritual studying, DATING, etc. I thought about our relationship, about how much I enjoy being around you, for example: you are smart, you are hilarious, you are beautiful, you have a strong testimony, you are involved in so many things.....I thought to myself "you do like XOXO!". well, I really do like you and don't think I expressed myself correctly earlier. You had the guts to tell me you liked me and I am inconsistent. But I am turning a new page and want to date more. I tried calling you a second ago to see if you want to do something, so call me!!

Love,

Me

P.S. I am not always this weird. Take care!

To be continued…

A New Year

2010-01-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

I decided once again to dedicate myself to writing in my journal once a week or more. I’ve been feeling compelled to do this more and more lately because I believe I have an important story to tell. I believe things that I experience will be very beneficial to others, especially my future children and grandchildren.

Today was ward conference, and it was focused on making the most out of our current situation and not waiting when we are more settled, or “I’ll be better at this when…” We live in a very transient student married ward where people are in the ward on average for about a year. This makes it very hard to feel like wanting to put in effort to make friends, reach out, and fulfill callings. President XXXX introduced the topic by sharing a scripture in Doctrine and Covenants given to Bishop Edward Partridge about how even though he may be moving from place to place, he should act as if he would be there for years. It made me want to do my best to be more involved and live my life to the fullest today.

Another neat thing this morning occurred when I was getting ready for church. I was preparing tithing which we hadn’t paid for over two months because of the holidays, etc. I ended up writing a check for over $800. Most people would scoff at the idea of giving that much to some church and would think I was crazy! I don’t know exactly why, but I’ve never felt unwilling to pay. Deep down I realized that I’ve been so blessed by the Lord with school, jobs, money…everything! It sounds strange but I am grateful to pay tithing and fast offerings because it is one way in many that I can show appreciation and gratitude and further the work of God and his church on the earth. Every good thing in my life has been linked in some way to the church and the restored gospel. I can’t afford not to give back. God gives me my daily breath, I cannot ever repay his love and mercy towards me. I know that money in itself is not important to the Lord, but tithing has changed and softened my heart and brought me closer to Him. I’m thankful I could have that private, gentle, spiritual experience as I sat at my desk this morning.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T16:32:00.002-07:00

So I'm not so good with this blogging thing--not that I don't enjoy it, but life is busy and when I do have free time I find myself reading or watching TV with my wife. So now that school is over for the week, I have about 10x as much free time!

People have been posting a lot about what they are grateful for on blogs and Facebook, so I thought I would join (it's refreshing)

1) I am grateful for free time during the holidays. Do you remember how excited you got in grade school/jr.high/high school for Christmas and summer break? I don't think that excitement will ever go away for me. I'm grateful for that feeling.

2) I am grateful for my family. I won't be with my immediate family for Thanksgiving, but will see them briefly before Christmas. I haven't lived near my family since 2003, and I think it has made being with them even more sweeter. I can't wait!

3) I am grateful for friends. I have always had trouble with feelings of loneliness and had hard time making and keeping good friends, especially among guys. I believe my homosexuality grew largely due to a lack of homoemotional support that I missed throughout my adolescent years. I still have those feelings, but not as often as before. Coming to BYU really brought me out of my shell and I was lucky to have some of the best roommates who took me in. I got to spend some time with one of those roommates yesterday--it was great to catch up and talk like nothing had changed. Friends make life fun and enjoyable.

4) I am grateful for my wife. Nothing makes me happier than to be with her. She understands me more than anybody. We can be completely honest with each other, and I am grateful for that! Things aren't always perfect, but I wouldn't have it any other way. She is the love of my life!!! (I never promised that this wouldn't be cheesy :) )

5) I am grateful for my Savior and that His gospel has been restored on the earth. It has given me hope and salvation. I am grateful for my testimony. There is so much confusion and doubt in the world, and I at times feel their dark shadows looming in my soul. Somehow the love of the Lord breaks through and I am able to move forward in faith, not knowing all the answers, but knowing that He loves and lives. I will never be able to deny the Atonement and the power of the priesthood.

God Loveth His Children

2009-10-23T11:14:00.006-06:00

So I was looking around on the Distribution Center website because I heard there was a new DVD set to help study/teach the Old Testament. I was looking through other DVDs and saw that there was a free, 40 minute DVD of "God Loveth His Children," the same name as the Church pamphlet that addresses Latter-day Saints with same-gender attractions. I thought, "Cool...the Church has made a video discussing the principles in the pamphlet...and it's free." So I added it with my Old Testament videos and went on with my day.

A few days later I got the videos and put the "God Loveth His Children" DVD in only to find it was an American Sign Language interpreter signing the entirety of the pamphlet! I guess I should have paid more attention to the description on the website and maybe noticed the ASL subtitle!... oh well, it was free and might be handy some day!

Life has been extremely busy. I've had several midterms, and usually around this time I'm overcome with stress, become a recluse, and turn to old addictions. I can tell my therapy group is already helping a lot because I have better control. I take time to notice things. I noticed the sunrise on Mt. Timpanogos this morning. I noticed the cool, refreshing breeze as I climbed the huge staircase up to campus. And even though I'm taking the GRE tomorrow on top of another thousand tasks, I feel peace. I notice the love of my family and friends and of the Savior.

Sexual Concerns

2009-10-16T16:16:00.004-06:00

That's the name of a group I meet with each week through the BYU Counseling and Career center. The name of the group sounds kind of weird, but I actually am learning a lot from it. It is mostly for those who have pornography and masturbation addictions. I found out about the group over the summer and decided to join it at the beginning of this semester. I was extremely nervous the first time I went (especially since I was late), but the group has been a great thing for me. I've learned that when I am open about my experiences in the right environment, I gain a lot of perspective and healing. We've only met for about a month, but one of our focuses so far has been noticing our feelings and thoughts and how they work. I have never been good at this, and I often dwell on negative feelings without even noticing, and lose a lot of my productivity in the process. It's been an interesting group and I look forward to learning more and writing about it.

I also told my sister and brother-in-law everything about me and my past when they were visiting recently. It felt good for my wife and I to be able to talk honestly and frankly about my situation, and to feel their love and support in return. I still plan on privately talking to my other siblings when I get a chance. I wish I had done this sooner. Well, time to go celebrate a glorious fall weekend. Take care,

A Man Which Was Blind From His Birth

2009-10-13T11:56:00.009-06:00

As I was finishing yesterday's post about answering the question of "born that way?", I started thinking of a story in John 9 about a man who was born blind:

1 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.
2 And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?
3 Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.
4 I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work.
5 As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world.
6 When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay,
7 And said unto him, Go, wash in the pool of Siloam, (which is by interpretation, Sent.) He went his way therefore, and washed, and came seeing.

Often we try find someone or something to blame when we or someone else isn't perfect. Those dealing with homosexuality often hear they chose this problem through sin, or that the parents must have done something wrong. In these scriptures, others blamed this man's blindness on his sins (premortal or God's foreknowledge that he would sin?) or his parents' sins--it must be someone's fault! Why would God make this man born blind? Jesus answered that it was neither his sins or his parents' sins, but "that the works of God should be made manifest in him."

This paradigm shift of thought helped me to begin healing. The root of my problem, whatever the actual biological/environmental factors might be, was not my fault or anybody's fault. I do admit that there are cases of abuse or other factors from parents, siblings, or others that definitely contribute to the development of homosexuality. My same-gender attraction may have unhealthily been intensified by my conscious sins and the sins of others, but by the power of the Atonement, Christ has lifted those burdens and helped me to modify my behavior. I've also had the help of my wife, close family members, and loving priesthood leaders and counselors.

I believe through the power of the Atonement, my life has been healed and continues to heal. I'm finding true joy and peace. The same-sex attraction has been diminished, and I was able to fall in love with my now beautiful wife.

Do I blame God or others that I had to go through so much to get here, or that I may have even had these problems or addictive susceptibilities since birth? I have often thought how nice it would be to relive my youth without all of my problems, but then I remember that without these experiences, I would not have come to know my Father and Savior the same. I can also empathize and give a helping hand to those who are struggling on the same path I've been on.

Later in John 9, the Pharisees and others tried to deny that this blind man was really born blind, or that the Savior really didn't heal him. Like the blind man, I have seen the "works of God" manifest in me, and I cannot deny it.

Born That Way?

2009-10-12T11:36:00.005-06:00

I understand this topic is perhaps one of the most controversial topics in the world of homosexuality. I'm not focusing on answering this question generally, but I am answering it for my own situation.

Was I born with same-sex attraction? Well, I'm not sure because I don't remember what I was like as a baby. Do I believe that I had inherent traits that could have led me to same-sex attraction? Possibly. I have always yearned for attention from fellow males and can remember having a strong homo-emotional need since I can remember. I don't think that's uncommon for young boys though.

Are there environmental factors that affected my same-gender attraction? I definitely have clearer answers here that I can't ignore. I was abused by my older brother (13 years older than me) a handful of times when he had me perform oral sex when I was around 5 years old. My homo-emotional needs were taken advantage, and I now had a sexual experience at a very young age. I had a hard time getting along with other boys throughout elementary and junior high school because of being shy and feeling uncomfortable with sports. I had a couple of guy friends, but in general I would further exclude myself and not fulfill the healthy homo-emotional needs that I had. I don't know how it all fell into place, but as puberty hit on, a lot of guys begin fantasizing about girls, but this never really happened for me. I believe it was the unfulfilled homo-emotional cravings combined with the fact that, while normal guys were fantasizing about sexual things with girls, I already had a sexual experience with another man.

In high school, I began understanding my sexuality more fully, but was already so wrapped up in pornography, fantasizing, and masturbation that I felt I had little control over what I could do. I had a testimony of the restored gospel and church, and would have periods of success in my behavior, but this repeating destructive cycle was eroding my spirituality and mental health. I didn't want to have same-gender attractions. I wanted a wife and family to love and raise in the gospel. However, my addictions and fantasizing led me to action. I was caught, and was forced to confront this issue to my parents and myself.

So, facing this dilemma, what should I do?

Should someone who has had such negative childhood experiences that he believes contributed to same-sex attraction try to receive help to change, or should he just accept it as normal and adopt a gay identity?

With the environmental factors that I had experienced, it was easy for me to believe that homosexuality was not normal. Additionally, I already had deep spiritual experiences from the gospel that helped me find peace, happiness, and a testimony of the restored Church of Jesus Christ. The decision became clear and I got professional help and began a sincere repentance process. My lifestyle and outlook on my sexuality didn't change overnight...but I will leave this part to future posts!

In general, do I believe I was born gay? No. Do I blame it on people? No. Do I believe there are complex biological and environmental factors that played a role? Most definitely. More importantly however, the exact answer to this question isn't as important as where I'm headed in the future. I love my life and where it is going. Understanding and accepting my past has helped me to know my position, where I want to go, and to overcome and heal. Getting real help and being open with loved ones has brought me peace and perspective.

August

2009-08-30T15:09:00.003-06:00

August was good. It looks like I'm writing at a rate of about one post per month, so I figure I better update!

This summer has flown by faster than I'd hoped, but it has been an eventful and a successful summer. My wife and I had a bumpy start to the summer, but have seen the hand of the Lord bless us through our trials. We both found amazing jobs to carry us through until we leave Provo. We moved into a nice apartment (extremely better than our last one) for a good price. We've managed to stay out of debt through all of the transition and schooling over the past 6 years, which has been a huge blessing and testimony of tithing to me and my wife. One of the best things was watching my wife walk across the stage at her graduation. August was good.

August was also successful as far as handling homosexuality. I feel less and less inclined toward former temptations, and I love my wife more and more each day. It's true! I feel like my outlook on this situation is more positive. A few months ago I started studying a book I found at the library called Resolving Homosexual Problems: A Guide for LDS Men by Jason Park.

It's kind of old (1997), but its message to those with unwanted same-sex attraction or behavioral habits has really helped me and how I control the situation. As I continue to reread and study it, I plan on writing my thoughts and feelings on this blog. My life to this point has been filled with my fair share of suppression, guilt, and shame for not being able to conquer this issue by willpower alone. By reading this, I've come to learn and start the process of resolving some of the inner problems that I've faced since I was very young by being open with others and building my self confidence. There is also a companion volume for spouses/parents/friends/etc. that my wife is reading. I also suggested it to my parents, so that they can better understand me and help support me.

I look forward to the new challenges that are ahead as school starts this week!

About Me

2009-07-12T14:48:00.002-06:00

My wife and I have talked a lot and decided not to share the more personal details of our lives to the world, so we took off the previous post. Overall, I have had a great life. I have great parents and a wonderful family. I gained a strong testimony of the restored gospel early in my life and have found joy and strength from following the teachings of our Savior. Problems from my childhood and other factors I believe contributed to my attractions to the same gender. However, I have found a lot of success in resolving those conflicts and emotional problems.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is about the sinner who anoints Jesus' feet (Luke 7:37-50). The Pharisees deride Jesus for allowing a sinner to approach him. Jesus tells Simon a parable about two debtors who owed a creditor five hundred pence and fifty pence, respectively. The creditor frankly forgives them both. Jesus uses this story to relate how those with the greater debts (which is all of us at some point) who find forgiveness, find a greater love for the Savior. My trials have brought me low, and have brought me closer to the Savior. Moroni taught an important message about Christ's teachings regarding repentance: "I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." (Ether 12:27)

I'm so grateful for my loving, supportive wife. I believe I am more happy and whole now than if I had chosen to continue to act on my homosexuality. I don't know if my homosexual feelings will ever completely go away, but I don't feel consumed by them like I had earlier in my life. I'm grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I've felt its power as my life has drastically changed over the years. I know the restored gospel of Jesus Christ is true. I don't have all the answers, but I try to learn more each day.

MoHo NoMo?

2009-06-21T15:08:00.005-06:00

Here I am, finally telling my story on a broad--though anonymous--scale. For about the last year I've read and kept up with a few "MoHo" blogs (creepy...I know) and thank many of you for sharing your stories!

I will be posting about my life and experiences with same-sex attraction up to now. In a nutshell, I grew up a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and knew from a very early age that I was attracted to men. I kept this a secret until I was pretty much forced to admit it near the end of high school. I went through a serious introspection of myself--resulting in my choices to build my testimony of the restored gospel, serve as a missionary for two years, and marry the love of my life.

In short, I have found that my homosexuality has been declining and that my heterosexuality is filling in the gap! Is this possible? Others have said I'm just deceiving myself and am living a lie. This could not be further from the truth. I cringe when I hear people say that those who are "gay" will never truly be happy unless they follow these same-sex attractions. For me, it has been the exact opposite.

I believe my path is leading me to the most fulfilling life I could ever imagine. I believe this perception comes from my religious beliefs as well as inherent human nature. If I had believed I was destined to immutable homosexuality, I would have been (and still would be) completely miserable. Luckily, I have found that not to be the case, and look forward to continuing on this path. It is fitting that today is Father's Day, because I look forward with anticipation to be a loving and caring father and husband.

Here is my story...